life's a dream

Goodbye..

2007-12-12T23:54:00.000-08:00

"Goodbye my almost lover, goodbye my hopeless dream...."
So now I am leaving tomorrow and we still aren't speaking. I guess the slamming of his car door was the last I will see of him until may. Fantastic. I think I am in love and have never had this pain before. I hate this...I hate it I hate it I hate it. I wish I could start over in September and make things a bit better. I can't hold off until may, this is going to be the roughest semester yet.

Thoughts.

2007-12-08T22:31:00.000-08:00

You have the cutest smile
One I can't forget.
So kiss me one last time.
Before you leave by jet.

Broken in two.

2007-12-06T19:15:00.000-08:00

So last night was possibly the worst night ever. I ended up at Phi Psi..and went to David's room. I started to cry because of my whole family situation and I have never cried in front of him before. Ruben saw me crying to and he tried to comfort me and his dog to, which was quite funny. I think David finally listened to me and understands what is going on but at the same time I think it really freaked him out. He also told me we can't do anything anymore (as in fooling around) because it's not right and because he is unsure if he wants to be with me or his ex-girlfriend. So now I feel like I am completely out, and this always happens to me. Some girl who is better always comes into the picture and I lose. I hate this, I feel like I wasted time on him and I hate that feeling because I feel like I feel so hard for him. He was the one who would listen to all my issues, make me feel better and be my best friend. And now because his ex wanted to visit him it brought up all these other things. On sunday he told me that he didn't want to get back together with her but I think talking to her more and more it has obviously changed his mind. Now I don't know what to do. My heart is telling me to wait, but my brain is really confused. I want to be with him so bad and I feel if I wait that maybe it will happen. I'm not going to stop living, but I don't want to forget him either. I don't want to kiss anyone else, because he is still the only one I like. I guess I will just have to see what happens. May couldn't come fast enough....

love bites.

2007-12-04T19:25:00.000-08:00

I am so tired of people complaining over the stupidest things ever - like dorms. So what if some girl keeps you up at night, it's college...get over it. There are people who have bigger things to deal with that is not petty shit. I never ever say that I am worse off than someone but I am so tired of people acting like they live the worst life ever just because of a fucking final or something. I am so frustrated with this bullshit. If people knew my issues maybe they would think that their stuff really is just petty crap. I mean, I get to deal with going home to a sick mom and a dad that doesn't face reality. I have the on again off again relationship with David so who the hell knows what that is...with his ex starting to come back into the picture. I don't know what to do anymore, he says that he doesn't want to start things with her but when I have shitty day he is talking to her for 3 hours and won't even get off the phone with her to talk to me. God, I HATE THIS. I commit myself to someone and tell them things I don't tell anyone and this is what I get. We tell eachother huge secrets and then I get shafted because I won't have sex with him. This is ridiculous and I am most likely being used. But I don't know, he is going to Spain and that does make thins a lot harder I guess. All I know is I never feel jealous when it comes to boys...or more importantly him. He talks to other girls but this ex is just something different. He spent 3 years with her, and you never forget your first love. Which sucks for me....because I think he might be mine.

Good things do happen.

2007-11-30T12:57:00.000-08:00

I'm BACK. Life is getting so much better, and it is simply amazing. I went to a christmas party last night which led to some pretty interesting events that I am really kind of happy about. First things first, David actually responded to my texts for once which made me quite happy. My friend took my phone and decided to start it to try to get him to come over, but he didn't. We then ended up talking for like 3 hours...pretty much about how we really wanted to see eachother and everything. Then after all that, I ended up calling Michael. Not the best idea, but he confessed his love for me once again. Anyways..besides all that I am no longer getting evil stares from Vanessa and Maddi. Things are finally getting back to where they need to be, and I really hope I get to see David this weekend. Keeping my fingers crossed for now..

It's Friday..

2007-11-23T20:37:00.000-08:00

It's friday and I am starting to give up hope. He hasn't talked to me in nearly two weeks. I even sent him a Happy Thanksgiving message with no reply. I would of thought he would of tried to talk to me by now because we have a few days off and both of us are at home. I made a pact with myself that I would try to talk to him on friday. But now I am thinking of waiting a bit longer to see...and it sucks. I am starting to lose my faith of us even being good friends anymore, and he used to be my BEST friend.

I miss..

2007-11-19T18:17:00.000-08:00

I miss my best friend. The one I was able to talk to on the loneliest of nights.

I can't think..

2007-11-14T20:54:00.000-08:00

I can't think, I can't write my paper..and I can't even focus anymore. Even watching tv and I can't pay attention. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! I have never felt this way, this pain...it blows. I've been slightly heartbroken before, but this is just so much more. I lost my best friend. He won't talk to me like he used to, I can't talk to him like I really need to right now. I'm worried about my mom, and sure I can talk to my friends here and my few friends back home but it's different when I talk to him. A different reaction, a different type of comfort that made me feel so comfortable. Just because of one stupid girl finding out one little thing, and me with my dumb idea to try and talk to him about it set off a spiral affect. He won't even respond to anything. So I am hoping with Thanksgiving just around the corner he maybe, just maybe will cave. Kind of like summer, when it all began just by a simple instant message it could start all over again. Then maybe things could go back to normal until he leaves. January is really going to kill me...I fee like crying but I don't want my roomate to see me in this kind of state. I need to finish this stupid paper for my Chinese Civ. class and I don't even know where to begin. I just find myself slipping into this perfect day dream of what summer should be like. Black Butte, the usual house with the sun blazing bright and the light breeze from the trees near by. David and I laying in a hammock listening to the Rascal Flatts from his iPod. Perfect, blissful, everything I need. I find myself saddened when I listen to them now, or when I see a red car I think of seeing him. Coronas make me sick to my stomach and I can't take another look at a boy in plaid shorts with a NY hat on. I'm dying slowly...and I hate it all.

I can keep things to myself, whether you like it or not.

2007-11-07T18:00:00.001-08:00

The past few months have gone by and David and I have been seeing eachother very frequently, keeping it all under the wraps. But apparently that didn't last for that long. Vanessa..stupid Vanessa comes up to me and says "I heard you were with David this weekend, really, I thought we were over all of this?" What the hell is that supposed to mean?! Yes, Maddi and I got over what happened but does that really mean I was giving up on him? And who is she supposed to be, going around all macho like, and "protecting her best friend". This is such bullshit, and such a double standard. I am so fed up with her, and her lies. She is the one who has slept with half of the fraternity, not to mention someone who had dated a friend of ours as well. So, just because I am hooking up with one guy who I can't even date until May...I am the one at fault? I talked to my mom about it today, and she said that I don't have to tell anyone anything because what goes on behind closed doors is my business. Which is so freaking true, and the only people who know are the people I tell and the people I want to tell. But I am so tired of her butting in my life only when it effects her. She really has no idea what has happened to me this year, but she makes it seem like her life is a million times harder. Just because she craves attention, she yells at me for not going to class claiming that she had an anxiety attack. Was it so bad of me to take a mental health day because I was worried about my mom who was almost in a comma and is very sick right now? I get the shaft of everything and I am over this bullshit. Stupid sorority girls...I am tired of this high school drama. I want to be able to do what I want, and not be put to the shitter because of it. You can hate me, or love me..but because of her and Maddi I am losing my best friend who is now escaping the damn country for 4 months. I hate this, I hate this, I hate this. Katherine said it would be hard to get involved with him further right now, which is true..but you still can't stop these feelings anyways. The fact is, if I was going to lose a boyfriend, or a friend for 4 months it would hurt no matter what. He knows me inside and out and not having the ability to talk to him every day is going to seriously suck the life out of me. And now he bareley talks to me because he is tired of the drama that Vanessa and Maddi keep causing. Well, mostly Vanessa. I just wish they could move on and let me and David live our damn life already. I am ready for life, so bring it on.

A rose is worth....

2007-10-23T11:52:00.000-07:00

So its been like nearly 2 months...and things have kind of changed drastically. Maddi started talking to me again, not that it matters because we are never going to be like we were because she decides to talk shit about me. But on the other hand..David and I have become a lot closer. The only bad thing is he is most likely going to Spain in January for the semester which means if we do decide to take our relationship to the next level it will only be for a short time, which really sucks because we both want it. I am starting to feel better about things, more confident about myself. Vanessa and Maddi have become "regulars" at Phi Psi which is not good because its a different guy every time which is giving them a reputation. Meanwhile, I feel like I am well on my way to maybe becoming a Phi Psi Sweetheart which would be really fun. I love knowing all the guys and knowing just one a little bit more :). This sounds stupid and lame, and maybe just really cocky of me but when they serenaded our Chapter the other day and handed out roses during the serenade the guy skipped right through Vanessa to me and I could tell she was a little ticked off. She didn't even get a rose from any of the guys, which was kind of shocking since she competes in Beauty Pageants and such. It kind of boosted my confidence because it made me feel appreciated a lot more by them. Or maybe she should just quit sleeping around with a bunch of guys in the same frat before she is blackballed.

my own soap opera.

2007-09-03T21:18:00.000-07:00

Haven't done this in awhile, haven't really had much time for it. Yet alone, time to actually think about life itself. This weekend I screwed things up majorily with a good friend of me and the guy I like. To start things off, I ended up making out with Todd, who I was finally over. I ran out of his room and straight to David's room, where we then started to make out. I spent the night, and everything felt so right, so perfect and everything was where it was supposed to be. I have been talking to him for about the past 4 months, and he is one of my really close friends that I can tell almost anything to. Having someone like that, especially with all the drama that has happened recently it is just so nice, and comfortable. The only bad thing about finally getting together with him was the fact that my friend Maddi was kind of seeing him last semester. It was nothing official but I knew how she felt and yet still, I let it all happen...stupidly. I told her the morning I came back and I felt so horrible about everything. I never wanted it to happen like this, but at the same time I don't want to lose David in the process. Early in freshman year we both liked this guy Vince, and I just kind of handed him over to her. I wish it could happen like that again, and her just letting me have David because David and I really want to be together but I doubt it will happen like that. What really irritates me though, is the fact that she said she really cares for him but yet she went and hooked up with two other guys on friday night as well. I mean, if you have strong feelings for someone you don't just go and do stuff like that...its not fair. And for her to tell me, she saw all of this coming I really don't understand at all. I didn't even see it coming myself, I mean I wanted it..sure but I did not expect what happened on friday to even happen at all. And then last night Maddi and Vanessa went to Phi Psi and Vanessa kept asking David everything about friday to the point where I get a phone call at 3 in the morning. I was pretty wasted, so it was really hard to take all of it in. But apparently now David is totally irritated and does not want to deal with all the drama and chaos that is now coming with us seeing eachother and I am pretty sure everything is now over and I lost a really close guy friend in the process which really sucks. I feel like no one understands why I am really close with him to begin with. In the summer when I would get in fights with my Mom, or my brother would said rude things to me, I would go and talk to David and he would make everything so much better. I talk to him everyday, and now he won't even give me the time of day anymore. Not having him as apart of my life is hurting so bad, because I feel like shit and the one person who can cheer me up completely won't even talk to me. Last time I kept the friendship instead of the guy, but this time I am thinking of keeping the guy more because it feels more right. Sure, Maddi is my sorority sister..but if I gave her the guy last time why can't we just have a trade this time? I hate this, and I hate that now I get doors slammed in my face instead of a hug or a smile. I just want to go home right now.

Running won't help.

2007-07-10T22:02:00.000-07:00

I don't get it anymore - people. What ever happened to being well, human? As I spend my day babysitting I finally feel accepted as the little boy asks if I really have to leave. It felt good to be loved by a three year old, remembering what is used to be like to be three and not knowing how cruel people become when they grow up. I've found my summers escaping into books, diving in with hope of something amazing happening to me. If I could just really escape, become one of the characters that has it all, a life that is not perfect, but somewhat better than mine. And thats when it happens, the cruelest thing that somewhat breaks me inside. As I am standing in line at the register at the store I see out of the corner of my eye three girls I used to consider best friends. We spent every moment we could together, even if it just meant sitting in eachother company. Imagine what a year can do...everything it seems. In the moment I see them, I think maybe they would say hello since we haven't really talked or seen eachother in awhile. But instead I get the cold shoulder, well the worst of it actually. They see me, but they don't think I see them and they actually...run. I hear my friend Lydia mouth the words "that was close" with a sigh of relief. Imagine the girl I've known since third grade say something like that. With that all I could do was get out of there as quick as I could, get to the bus stop as quick as I could and get home to my room where I was finally able to really take everything in. As I am waiting to cross the street, almost breaking down a guy starts talking to me..unaware of what has just happened obviously. It makes me feel better, that there are still nice people out there where they will just strike up conversation on a street corner and suddenly I don't feel so bad. As we walk I have to run to catch the bus and that's the end of it. And then it all comes back to me, and I start to feel like the sides of the bus are closing in on me..and I want to run as far away as possible. Is it August yet? The time can't come quick enough. I get home and my dad tries to talk to me but all I can do is run to my room and I burst..break down and all. Did I miss something? Are we suddenly unable to be somewhat civil to one another anymore? What happened to that person I used to know, the one you could tell anything with no judgement who will now run at the sight of me? I just don't get it anymore. And now here I am, shifted to being mad at my father. His best friend had a heart attack a few years ago and now he is not even reachable and my father doesn't seem the least bit concerned. He won't call his mom to top it all off as well, the woman who raised him. What happened to the father I used to know...the one who seemed to care at least. The one who took care of you when you were sick, the one who wiped your tears when you cried. I don't get how a man, or anyone for that matter can now ignore to major things going on. What made people act so uncivilized anyways? You can't run from a problem, because the moment you stop it's still going to be right behind you.

Perfect?

2007-07-08T12:51:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading "Someone Like You" by Sarah Dessen last night, and it made me realize a few things. All this time I have been holding on to, and going after boys just simply because..not really an justification to back me up. None of them treated me that fantastic and made me feel all gushy inside the way love should be. I'm not trying to say that every guy should drop down and bow before me, in fact the complete opposite. A relationship is hard work, and maybe in fact I am not quite ready for a real one to happen right about now. I waited so long for a number of things in my life. My first kiss for instance. As sad as it is, it didn't even happen until this past November, when I was 18. It wasn't even that special, the way I really wanted to be. I was drunk, and I didn't even know the guys name until later on. In fact, it was almost just a random night in college..at a frat party none the less. I feel that if I hold out, and just be friends with guys until the right one comes along that it will be well worth the wait. I am not ready to give up on the dream of the perfect boy, or at least perfect to me. There is no such thing as perfect, but there kind of is in a small small way. I want to have a boy surprise me, and show that he really cares about me, and me do the same things in return. Its the small things that count..because in the end they all add up. Maybe its just these sappy-romance novels I can't help but read but it makes me really think about a love of things lately. There is someone for everyone, and it may take awhile to find that person but it will be worth it in the end. I am only 19, and I shouldn't be that concerned with finding the perfect guy right now. Life is just so much more, there is only so much time we have being this young, in college. For now, I think I can hold off on that guy im waiting on.

Time to move on?

2007-06-30T23:04:00.000-07:00

Well, I think/feel that I have finally moved on. But then again, I haven't even been back to school yet where I will most likely see him. Until then I will still be slightly unsure as to my feelings. But for once, in a very long time I finally feel un-drained by emotions which seems like an ultimate first. I feel confident, no longer distracted by feelings of pain and hurt. I just hope that this will stick through for as long as possible..only about six weeks until I see him again and I can only hope that I really have moved on.

Rewind, or fast forward?

2007-06-22T00:09:00.000-07:00

I think I have officially given up hope, which is about time I think. I guess. I mean, it just feels all hopeless to me anymore. Why do I consistently cling the idea of something, when something so much more could just so easily pass me by? I'm scared to be honest. I think I am actually scared to fall in love and hurt like this all over again. I often wish I could be the little girl whose dreams had no barriers, who believed in a world where anything was possible and who had a heart that was full and unbroken. Life used to be so simple before all of these complications came into effect. I wish I could either rewind to an easier and simpler time or fast forward to the future of what is supposed to be.

Annoying....

2007-06-18T10:51:00.000-07:00

I am so annoyed with life right now, well at least this week. Since like, no one in the work world will hire me because I am only home for another six weeks the only way I could get money was by dog sitting my cousin's puppy. I thought it would be fun, and hey its money in my bank account but the dog is soooo annoying. Its like neurotic or something. My mom thinks its all cute because its this little puppy and everything, but I am already so tired of it. I really need it to be saturday already.

Can I run?

2007-06-14T23:42:00.000-07:00

I want to run away, and escape from this crap they call life. I am just so sick and tired of being in this place where I just simply, don't belong. I feel like I don't fit anywhere anymore. My friends from high school can't even pick up the phone and I don't think they get how much it hurts me, being completely cut off like that. I had hope, but I think it all died when everything just stopped happening around me. There are those few friends, three to be exact that are left here, but that leaves a lot of time to myself which can end up being quite boring. I like having time to myself, but at times I wish there was someone I could talk to. Someone I could just tell everything to, my mom won't even listen to me. All she seems to care about is whether or not I will get a job, and if I am going to give up on Arizona so she can have more money. And I think that is what makes me want to quit the most, I feel like such a failure to her. I messed up so much first semester at school, so I worked my ass off second semester and she just keeps telling me I can do better, that I can get better grades. Just because I had some stupid IQ test when I was in grade school doesn't signify that I can get a 4.0 in college. I have always applied myself but she never seems to think I can do good enough. Which doesn't make sense because my brother barely graduated high school and didn't even go to college. So I thought by me going that I was showing her how hard I have worked, but she doesn't even appreciate anything I do anymore. She has never said anything in words of appreciation towards me when it comes to almost anything, even cleaning the house. Just a you could of done better look, which just makes me feel like shit. Even when I was applying for college she kept telling me no one was going to accept me, which was such an encouragement to begin with. People have told me to talk to her, but it is just to hard, because she is so difficult to talk to. Even when you do get the conversation going she takes forever to respond because she only has time for the dog or the computer games. If I do get a chance, she just calls me some sort of emotional wreck and that I exagerate everything. What a supportive family. I wish I could escape this hell I call my life. I want to become a character in my books, where they have such a good life. Having the somewhat of a perfect yet still chaotic family that loves you for you are, not what they want you to be. You get the good guy, and everything goes right. None of this hellish complications that have happened way to many times in my life recently.

im stuck in a box-but i learned to cut a hole.

2007-06-13T23:06:00.000-07:00

In most cases, like recent one's I have found it extremely hard to let go. Moving on is hard, but in some cases it is necessary. I understand, change can be good but sometimes it can hurt. My grandma passed away a few years ago and my aunt was left with her dog. We had all gotten our dogs from the same breeder, so they were all related which made it kind of special. My dog being an Uncle to my cousin's dog as well as my grandmother's. As we all got old, went off to college, so did our dogs and he is now the last one standing. And now, it's his time to go which makes me realize just how much things are changing all around me. He's being put down in just two days, which makes it hard because it was the last thing from my grandma.
Before I went off to college, my parent's often talked about selling the house and moving into a condo which would be a lot smaller and a lot easier for them. It would be the last move of their life, in order to kind of wrap up their last chapter. I really hated the fact of selling the house I have lived in my entire life, and my parent's have owned it for twenty-two years. There are so many memories I have had in this house, good and bad and it seems to weird to say goodbye to it. I was trying to talk my parents into waiting until I was done with college before they sold, but I seemed to have changed my mind. After one year of dorm life, living with 20 other girls and sharing a bathroom I realize I do not really have that much attachement to the house anymore. Besides that, I would also be getting a larger room, a bigger closet, and my very own bathroom. Not to mention a lot less housework, a gorgeous view of this beautiful city and being centrally located to everything I could ever need. So now...when I come back for thanksgiving I will be living in a completely different room, hopefully.
As far as this whole moving thing, I have been looking with my mom for a condo, and it has really opened my eyes to up regional development. My major right now is english, but ever since septemeber I have thought about changing. After listening to this extremely intelligent women discuss how this building is the first in the entire world to be completely eco-friendly it made me really think of what I want to do with my life. Sure, I love to write but I have never really been that fantastic at it, at least that is what I think. But the more I keep thinking about it, the more I keep falling in love with the idea. I think I might possibly change my major, and works on projects similar to this condo, the casey. To make an entire building all about the view, and all about protecting the earth, all while selling such a beautiful condo that fits to almost anyone's desire is so appealing to me.
Also, on a good note I think I have finally cut things off with Michael the asshole permanently. It almost felt like I was in a relationship with him this past year even thought we were not. It feels like it was dragged out forever, going back and forth for fours years all throughout high school, all while never even having anything happen except for the 'almost' factor. But these past few weeks I finally realized that being called a bitch and being hung up on, and being woken up at four in the morning thanks to drunk dials what not what I needed in my life anymore. Especially since he is now heaving in to drugs and everything which just puts the cherry right on top. So now that he is offically gone, it feels to...freeing. Michael free. Maybe now I can finally breathe, well after I figure out the complictions I left in Arizona.

What is this life..anyways?

2007-06-13T12:47:00.000-07:00

I almost feel like giving up. Give up on these feelings, its just useless to hold on to them when the chances of anything actually happen are slim to none. How can you simply go from talking to someone every day, and then nothing? I just don't understand it, shutting people out just like that. I know he has a reason, and I keep defending him but the thing is I just don't get it. He still talks to everyone else, but me. Maybe I just freaked him out, when I kept trying to keep talking when there was simply nothing left to talk about anymore. Everyone has told me to move on, but I have found it so hard when the passion I have for him and for us is so strong. I don't want to give up, but I think I am giving up expecting something which to me - really sucks. I just wish that come August we could go back to the way things were before Spring Break. Seeing each other every once in awhile and talking every day for hours upon hours. I hate life, it's just not fair sometimes..to make this happen to him just makes me cry all over again.
So he is supposed to be done with all this, all this treatment by now. I was hoping that would mean that maybe something might happen, like a friendly hello? No. Which really makes me think its officially over. Over. I hate it, I hate this, I hate love. I have never in my entire life felt any pain like this and I can't think about anything anymore. My dreams are clogged with him, thoughts of him, of things that happened, of things that than can happen if only. If only, is such an interesting feeling. It brings me back to high school when I would crush on a guy and just think about the endless possibilities that would never even happen. The funny thing is, he was that boy as well but then he came true. I never expected it, in fact the only person who thought anything of it was Monica. I thought she was crazy at first, but then I realized that she was right.
So why this pain? I am so tired of it by now, I am tired of not being able to see straight anymore. When I drive I can't even focus on the road anymore. All I feel is if I turn the right way I will head to Boston and see him. Everything reminds me of him, seeing a boy in a Boston Hat, a canadian shirt, strawberry blond hair, plaid shorts, colorful polo's. Everything. So how I am supposed to move on, when I keep clinging to the past? This is just to hard to do, almost impossible to deal with. Of all the boys, it was him that made me feel so good inside, and I want to hold on to that feeling for ever and ever and never let go of it. But why all this is happening, my mind tends to think, is this love, or just the beginning of so many more loves to come?

Complications.

2007-06-08T20:27:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I wonder why everything works out the way it does. When I was growing up, I thought these years would be the best years of my life. But while the outside looks nice, the inside is complete chaos and so complicated that it makes me want to scream. I never thought I would have these feelings, and I never thought I could seriously complicate things to this far of an extent. I want to run, and just keep running..life wasn't supposed to be like this. Everything was supposed to fall into place, at least that is what everyone keeps telling me. But right now it just feels like nothing will work out the way it is supposed to.